


If Only

by dramady, jeck



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician), kradam - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-18
Updated: 2010-06-18
Packaged: 2017-10-10 04:27:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/95483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dramady/pseuds/dramady, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeck/pseuds/jeck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Summary:</b>  Some things are perhaps meant to be in one way, but not in another. Life is, after all, about choices; choices that have to be lived with.</p><p><b>Authors' Notes:</b> Inspired by the songs in the body of the text.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** This is a non-profit, non-commercial work of fiction using the names and likenesses of real individuals. This fictional story is not intended to imply that the events herein actually occurred, or that the attitudes or behaviors described are engaged in or condoned by the real persons whose names are used without permission.

_This is the song where I listen.  
This is the song where I sit still.  
I called the dogs off all the things I'm missing,  
and to everyone but you before I set sail.  
I said, "Good luck, good luck, good luck.  
There are tough times, but we'll get by. Good luck!"_

This is the song where you speak up.  
This is the song where you get moving.  
You cried some trouble out into a teacup,  
and to me but no one else before you threw it,  
you said, "Good luck, good luck, good luck.  
These are tough times, but we'll get by. Good luck!"

I put ashore in front of our apartment,  
and watched you comb the stoop for shards of porcelain,  
satisfied that there were none, you broke the silence,  
and after this I promise not to interrupt again,

but this is the song where I listen.  
This is the song where I sit still  
until our heartbeats drown out the clock ticking,  
and this song is just "I love you and always will."  
Good luck, good luck, good luck.  
These are tough times, but we'll get by. Good luck.

Punch Brothers, "This is the Song (Good Luck)"

~~

"We gotta talk," Kris had said on the phone and it was then that Adam knew it was coming.

"Sure," Adam had answered. "Come over?"

And they sat at Adam's breakfast table where the afternoon sun shone in. They both had their elbows on the table and Adam watched Kris's face and waited. Because he knew it was coming.

It wasn't a surprise, not really. In fact, the more thought that went into it, the more it was realized that there really weren't any surprises. What happened perhaps was meant to happen. _Trust the Universe_, Adam liked to say.

That didn't make it hurt any less. Knowing it was coming didn't lessen it, not one bit. This was the hardest thing Kris had to face. Ever. He stared at Adam opening and then closing his mouth because, where would he start? No. Really? Where? How he felt and what he _should_ do were two conflicting things but neither could be downplayed, obligation and something else. What was right in one way and right in another. The only thing to do was for him to face the music.

From across the table, slowly he reached out, opening his hand out, fingers obviously rough, calloused from too much playing of his guitar. Kris put his palm up, there if Adam wanted to take it.

Kris hoped Adam would take it.

Adam took his hand, of course he did. His hand was bigger and his fingers folded around Kris's palm. "It's okay," he said quietly, looking at their hands, not Kris's face. "Whatever it is. It's okay."

"Is it?" Kris asked quietly, his hand closing around Adam's, holding on tight. He stared at their joined hands before blinking slowly and looking up at Adam. "Is it ... Okay?" Because as much as they both knew this was coming, actually having to finally come face to face with it frankly, _hurt_.

"It has to be, doesn't it?" Adam shrugged a little, mustering a small smile that faded before it could fully develop. "I love you no matter what. That doesn't change."

That right there was what hurt most. Kris had to close his eyes. He couldn't look at Adam - not like this - not when he was the one that put those emotions there. Swallowing thickly, his voice caught in his throat that he needed to fight it, he heaved a heavy sigh and said, "I love you, too."

And that was when Kris felt his heart break as Adam squeezed his hands, saying, quietly, "oh, Kris."

~~

Like a lot of festival set-ups, the backstage was actually side-stage what with all the equipment in the actual backstage area. So it was loud and hard to talk but not impossible. In fact, Tommy had no problem telling Kris that he was totally collecting boxtops and would send them off. That he ate a serious lot of cereal and between him and his roommates, they'd have lots of boxtops. Over Tommy's shoulder, Kris could see Adam come into the area and stop, looking over at them. When he caught Kris's eye, he smiled, just a little.

Kris's gaze lingered a lot longer, aware that Tommy was talking but he wasn't really listening anymore. He smiled back at Adam, even giving an almost indiscernible upnod, still not looking at Tommy, Kris said, "I'll see you later, man. Send me a DM and I'll give you the address to send the boxtops to." Already Kris was walking toward Adam.

"I will. That's a totally awesome idea ... the boxtops ...?"

Adam watched Kris come closer and he opened up his arms. "I didn't figure you for an Ori fan. She's amazing, isn't she?"

Kris gave Adam an "are you kidding?!" look. "Can you see what she could do with that guitar?" He slipped into the embrace easily and without even noticing it, he sighed and planted his face on Adam's shoulder. It was familiar but different. When he leaned back, Kris's brows drew together. "You're boney." The look was slightly disapproving.

"Boney? Please. I've finally banished the fucking lovehandles to fat-hip hell where they need to stay. God. Are you mother-henning me, Kristopher?" Adam tugged at Kris's lapels. "I like this shirt on you."

"You gotta admit my tastes have improved." Not by much though and Kris's lopsided grin told Adam that. "And you can blame my Momma for the mother-henning." He laughed even if he was already being pulled for an interview. "I swear, Adam. I wanna watch you but ..." he was pointing toward the set-up the station had, the deejay already there and waiting.

All Adam did was wave. But later, when Kris stepped off the plane in San Antonio and turned on his phone, he had a text.

_the universe seems to know better than we do_

To which Kris answered: _that's bull_

He frowned and then sucked in a breath, thumb-typing fast. _I saw you. We talked._ It was enough.

He didn't get a text answer, but a twitter answer, about how good it was to see him, as always.

But later that night, almost when it was time to be getting up and heading back to the airport yet again, this time to LA, Kris got another text.

_I love you, always will. Break a leg, Kris Allen (not literally!). You're amazing._.

For the longest time Kris was staring at the text. He'd replied to the tweet saying how it was always good to talk to Adam. Because even if they only just exchanged a few words, it was always enough. But this? It was like a coil had twisted in his chest and at the same time his heart swelled up with emotions. Result: Pain.

This was the part where Kris should really start speaking up.

_I love you, too. Always have. Always will._

_Then_, came the response, _the universe does know better. Trust it._ And there was a little heart next to it.

Kris smiled. _I do. Universe gave me you._ There were no smileys or hearts. Kris didn't need them. Adam would know.

_And it gave me you, tho I dunno wat to do w/u. kidding! call me soon_.

By this time Kris had changed into his boxers and a t-shirt, already in bed, lying in the middle while sending a text message back to Adam. _You cant get rid of me. Time for sleepy now. Miss you._

It was just as his eyes were beginning to close that Kris's iPhone buzzed and he read Adam's message.

_miss u 2. Sweet dreams. Love you._

Kris smiled, slowly allowing himself to finally be pulled into slumber, seeing only two words in the dream that played behind his eyes. _Love you_.

~~

"KRA-DI-SON! KRA-DI-SON!" The chant was running around in circles in Kris's head, both in Adam's and Allison's voices. Kris had always been content sitting back and just watching the conversation flow in front of him whenever those two were sitting together. He hated to admit, though, as they finally all say goodnight, that it was over.

Allison and Adam were like rowdy, amusing children when together. Kris loved every second of it.

"C'mere you," he told Allison, smiling, opening his arms out for her to take her hug. Kris always did like giving out hugs.

"You so hot, Kris Allen! So freaking HOT!" She threw herself into his arms. "You better call me! You said you'd call me! YOU BETTER CALL ME!"

"Again with the yelling," Adam teased, wrapping his arms around both of them. "Kradison!"

"UGH!" Kris groaned and his face scrunched up, caught in the middle of the two, getting squished and turning deaf. "Why would I call you? You're always coming over to my place!" Kris laughed and he hugged the two right back. "Now scoot! Get yourself to bed."

"I'm not a baby!"

"No, but you're our baby girl. Off!" Adam lifted Allison up and squeezed her tight. "I love you. Text me."

"AS IF!" But with a beaming grin, she finally spun out of the room, leaving Kris and Adam alone. Adam turned away, stretching his arms over his head, back curving before he slumped into a seat. "How come I always drink too much around you lately," he said with a nearly lazy smile. "Tonight was _so much fun_. God."

Kris could only stare and smile at Adam. He just wanted to take it all in. Just for a moment. "I have aspirin in my bag if you want it." Kris got sick on the road. A lot. It was not news that he had a mini-pharmacy in his beat-up messenger bag. He smirked at Adam. "I wish it could be like this every concert. That was ... amazing. Allison was amazing. You! Were amazing."

"And so were you, don't leave yourself out. That little hip thing you did? You're finally embracing your sexuality on stage. Stealthy sexiness. I approve. I, on the other hand, might have gone a _wee bit_ overboard." Clearly, Adam didn't care, long legs sprawled out, head back, eyes nearly closed as he watched Kris. "A Kradison tour would be pretty epic, wouldn't it?"

"That'd be crazy." Kris grinned and he slouched, too, head turned toward Adam. "Bet you and Allison would love it." They were alone. It was quiet. Kris made sure to keep his voice low. "I'd love it ... for maybe more selfish reasons ..." Kris looked away. He didn't really mean to say that.

"Kris." The word came out all gritty and tight and Adam's eyes pinched shut, though he didn't move otherwise. "Not tonight. I can't do this tonight. I don't think you even know how - " But he cut himself off, shaking his head even as he reached for Kris's hand, squeezing it. "Let's just ... let's just be quiet, okay? Please."

"A'right, a'right. I'm sorry." Kris leaned back and he closed his eyes. He concentrated on breathing. In and out, in and out. Adam was here and they were sitting together sharing each other's presence. That should be enough, he told himself. It should be. He began to quietly hum if only to break the deafening silence.

"You break my heart," Adam whispered. He was smiling though, turning his head to look over. "That's one of your songs." And he sang under his breath, "'Lying next to you, wishing I could disappear ....' That one's not my favorite, though. Did I ever tell you which of your songs is my favorite?"

Shifting just enough to be closer, to whisper, Kris shook his head slowly, looking into Adam's eyes. "No, you never told me ..." Kris was staring at Adam, his gaze trailing over his face as if he was looking at him for the very first time. He smiled. "Spit it out already."

"I Need to Know," Adam told him, looking at him right back. "It's not a song I'd ever listen to if it weren't yours, but it breaks my heart every time I listen to it, because you sound ... so sad."

Kris wasn't even aware that his breath hitched and his eyes widened just a touch. He wanted to turn away but was caught in Adam's gaze. For a quick fleeting moment Kris wanted to cover up his reaction but lying wasn't really his game. "Remember New York during our tour?" He started slowly, "that time I called you, told you I couldn't write?" Maybe Adam forgot about that already.

Even with his half-drunken state and the already-lingering tension of the room, Adam's face fell more. "Don't tell me you're going to say what you're going to say. _Kris_."

What was the point of looking away? Adam already knew anyway. "I found a mental laxative." Kris smiled. Or tried to. It didn't quite make it. He started to hum the song, leaning on the seat again, head back, eyes closed. In his head Kris let the song play.

_Feel like I'm tryin' to breathe under water ... tryin' to climb but I keep fallin' farther ... will you take my hand?_

At that Kris stretched his arms out, the back of his hand falling to rest on Adam's thigh, his palm up, waiting.

"You break my heart," Adam accused nearly under his breath and he tilted his head to watch their fingers lace together and he squeezed, pulling their joined hands to his mouth to kiss Kris's knuckles and press them, then, to his cheek.

The song seemed to keep playing unbidden in Kris's mind. _Feels so far away, want to see your face, are you even there? Can you show me?_

Kris shut his eyes tighter, feeling but not wanting to see Adam's lips on his skin, his cheek pressed to the back of his hand. It was going to break Kris's heart. _Can you make me believe...? I need to know ...._

No. Kris didn't _need_ to know ... he already knew.

~~

When Kris called the first time, it went straight to voicemail, Adam's voice over the line. "Hi! Leave a message, and I'll call you back. You better wish me a happy birthday, bitch!" And his laugh could be heard even as the message cut out.

The second time Kris called, it was during a break rehearsing. He was breathy when he spoke. "I know it's your birthday an' all, but..." Kris wanted to hear Adam's voice. "... call me?"

Not fifteen minutes later, Kris got a text. _You didn't wish me hpy bday. Partys still going_.

Kris laughed and then he sent a text back. _HAPPY BIRTHDAY!_

At the heels of that text Kris followed it with: _Can't wait to see you_ He was smiling when he hit send.

_u 2 - dont even need to bring a pressie :)_

_What? I'm not good enough for a present?_ Kris let his thumb hover over the send button, hesitating but deciding to bite the bullet. It wasn't insinuation and he had no doubt Adam would see it like that.

_;) y arent u here yet?_

_gotta wrap your present_ Kris chuckled pocketing his phone and heading home. He needed a really hot shower and then he'd see Adam finally. It had been a long time.

It was close to two hours later with Kris sitting in the stairwell outside of his and Katy's apartment that he struggled to decide what to do. Call? Text? He wasn't sure. His chest was aching but it was what it was. He decided to send a text, if Adam wasn't too busy, he'd call.

_call me pls need to talk to you_

Kris's heart jackhammered in his chest.

His phone didn't ring that night. In fact, it didn't ring (with a call from Adam anyway) until late the next afternoon. Adam was quiet, too, sounding subdued. "Hey. What happened?"

It was a deep-seated sigh that Adam would hear and for a moment Kris couldn't speak. He tried, mouth opening then closing with a click of his teeth before he sighed one more time and spoke. "Katy ..." Kris leaned his head back and it hit the wall with a dull thud. "She - "

"She was sick?" It was a question, but not really, Adam's voice was low and flat. "Kris, don't worry about it. It's fine, okay? It's ... there were so many people there, anyway. We might not have had much time to talk, anyway ... "

They always knew what the other was thinking. Kris had no idea how that happened. Same way he had no idea when they started to finish each other's sentences or know what they meant with just a look.

It just _was_.

"Yeah. She was sick ..." It was like a lead weight that settled heavily on Kris's chest with the lie and he couldn't breathe, inhales stuttered, exhales shaky. There was a pregnant silence before Kris spoke again. "I still have your present ..." he murmured softly into the phone.

"I told you you didn't need to get me a present," Adam told him. "Just a second, okay?" And the line got muffled and Kris could hear Adam talking to someone else, then it got quiet again with the sound of a door shutting. "Brad and Tommy are still here, sorry. We got a ... a suite? It's really nice. The party was really good and there were paparazzi outside, can you believe it? Lindsay Lohan showed up too. It was ... strange."

"Lindsay Lohan? Hope you hid the booze," Kris tried for the joke but it fell flat. "When can I see you? Y'know ... for your present?" He smiled at the idea. "Even if it's only a few minutes...?" Kris hastened to add, because seeing Adam albeit briefly was still good than not being able to say happy birthday in person at all.

"Your wife is sick, Kris," Adam said, other meaning heavy in his tone. "You should probably stay home and take care of her." He paused, then added, quickly. "I'm sorry. I just was hoping you - you guys - would come to my party."

Kris's eyes were shut so tight and then he was thumping his head a little bit harder on the wall behind him. "Me, too, Adam. I really wanted to be there." He ran his fingers through his hair, tugging the ends frustrated at the situation, disappointed with how things when down. "I'll ... send someone down with my - our - present."

Adam laughed over the line. "Thanks. I'll have my people answer the door for your people. I'm hungover, Kris, I'm going to end the call before I say something really stupid. Well, more stupid than I've already said. I miss you and I love you. Call me soon, okay?"

"Yeah. I'll call soon." Kris said with a resigned sigh. "Drink lots of water and take a couple aspirins," he smiled and Adam should be able to tell that from across the line. "... Adam?"

"... yeah?"

"... I love you, y'know?" Kris felt like his heart was bleeding. "I'm real sorry."

"Oh, Kris. I know. Call me soon, okay? And I'll see you soon." The Rock Your Town thing. "Take care, baby." And after a moment of silence, the call ended.

For a very long time Kris sat there on a step in the stairwell of his apartment building, head in his hands, his eyes closed. When did being friends with Adam become so complicated?

He scoffed at himself. _Friends_. Who was he kidding?

~~

"They really shouldn't call it a 'Jingle _Ball_,'" a voice said right in Kris's ear. "It's too easy to make dirty jokes about." And when Kris turned around, there Adam was, smiling and at least thirty pounds lighter. "Something like 'I got your Jingle Balls,' baby, complete with, you know ... " He gestured, lewdly, then laughed. "Hi."

Kris shook his head and he had a bright but lopsided smile on his face. He looked Adam up and then down and then he whispered, "You should have worn your special ring." Kris gestured to Adam's hand and then he laughed, opening his arms out. "I've missed you."

And Kris had. _A lot_.

"Ugh, I missed you too!" And Adam gathered Kris up tight, laughing into his neck. "How are you? Talk to me! Text messages absolutely aren't the same thing." He leaned back, still holding Kris by the shoulders. "You look amazing."

"You're a liar," Kris smirked. "I look like crap." Adam though? God! Adam looked amazing and it made Kris's heart tighten in his chest. But it was so good to see him and _touch_ him. "I just flew in from ... somewhere." Kris's brows furrow as he shrugged. "Crazy life we live now ..."

"Oooh, somewhere will get you every time. You still look amazing, though. A little tired, yeah." Adam gently ran his thumb under one of Kris's eyes. "So, how was it? How are you? How's it been going? How's Katy? Fill me in in two minutes before I have to go be social and smiley."

Kris wrapped a strong, firm hand around Adam's arm just so he was connected. "Everyone's good. My Mama said to give you a kiss when I see you. Katy's fine. Everyone says they miss you. I slept about two hours and it was on the plane, I need a shave and I'd really like to hang out with you later." There. That was the condensed version. Later, if Adam was willing, they could talk more at length, which, Kris didn't know he wanted so badly.

"We'll make that all happen, then," Adam said, and he leaned in, tapping his cheek. "I want that kiss, first."

Kris laughed and then he took Adam's face in his hands, cradling gently so Adam wouldn't much feel those callouses more prominent on his fingertips. He gave him a loud smacking kiss on the cheek, a smile there too until it was time to pull back and Kris -- well, he almost couldn't. He stared at Adam whose face was so close to his and his gaze flicked from Adam's eyes to his lips then back.

Of course, Adam looked right back at him, eyes impossibly blue with the kohl liner and a small smile flickered over and left his face. "I'll see you after, okay? Find me. Don't let me leave, okay? We'll get all caught up." It was his turn to catch Kris's face and kiss his forehead, lingering there a beat too long before he pulled back and was walking down the hallway, being swarmed by people.

Kris had to give his head a shake after he'd been staring a bit too long at Adam walking away. They'd have later. Or, at least Kris hoped they would.

Many hours later, now properly fed in Kris's case and Adam's, having had a few drinks, maybe, they rode the elevator up in their hotel.

The doors emitted this sharp ping and they opened, Kris looking back at Adam with a slightly hesitant smile. "This is my floor," he said, trailing off on the obvious invitation that he couldn't quite say out loud.

"This is. Your floor." Adam nodded, peering out of the elevator into the hallway. "I don't know what my floor is. I wasn't paying attention. I'll get off on your floor in case it's my floor? That's a good plan, right?" And they just barely got out before the doors started to close at them; Adam slapped at the doors; "not nice!" Then he smiled at Kris and offered his hand. "I think I've had _a lot_ to drink."

"You kinda did, yeah." Kris wasn't that much better but he did have a helluva lot less to drink than Adam did. He reached over and took Adam's hand. "Shh! Quit attacking the elevator. My room's this way." He hoped that Cale and them were already asleep because Adam and Kris were going to pass by their rooms and Kris really wanted to spend this time with just Adam.

"Are we going to your room? Wouldn't that be scandalous if it got out. Kradam for reals!" Adam's fingers slipped between Kris's as they walked. "I have a shitload of make up on too. I went really heavy on it tonight. I wanted to kind of do a fuck-you to homophobes, you know? Is that bad? Fuck you, losers and your hypocrisy." He slapped his free hand over his mouth. "Whoops," he whispered, all muffled.

"You should say that - for realz!" Kris scrunched his nose and held up a hand in a definite rock and roll gesture. "You don't wanna go there." They got the the door and then Kris stopped and cocked his head at Adam. "If you don't wanna come in, that's fine, Adam. If you wanna just go find your room on whatever floor you're on, that's fine by me, too." Only, not really.

For a moment, Adam went still, his expression going sober and somber all at once. He lowered his hand from his mouth and studied Kris's face. "... I'm not sure that's such a good idea, baby."

"Are you gonna throw up?" Kris was patting his pockets trying to find the key card. "Shoot," he murmured under his breath before he found it and slid it in, pushing the door open. "Just get in, Adam. No one's gonna talk." They were friends. Couldn't friends hang out and talk? Besides, Cale and Torres were in the next room and would vouch for them.

"I don't throw up," Adam said from the hallway before he slowly followed Kris into his room, looking around. "... it looks just like my room," he noted and then went to the window. "But the view's different. You have heating ducts. Or A/C ducts, whichever they are. That's not a great view."

"I barely have time to be in here to brush my teeth, Adam. I don't think it matters about the view." Kris shrugged. "Sit down. We said we were gonna catch up." He sighed softly as he looked at Adam.

Looking around, Adam pulled the chair away from the little table and he sat heavily, his elbows to his knees. "I miss you," he said without preamble. "A lot."

"Don't lie. You're glad to be rid of me. Takin' up all that space, huh?" Smiling softly, Kris slowly approached Adam and he stood in front of him, pulling his hands from deep in his pockets. He reached for Adam, fingers barely brushing over his head before settling on his shoulder. "I miss you a lot, too. Text isn't enough."

Reaching up, Adam took Kris's hands, folding them into his own. "Don't make jokes. Kris - just - don't make jokes." Just by tugging, he could get Kris into his lap, arms loose around his waist, chin on his shoulder. "I really missed - _miss_ \- you."

It was odd how the body doesn't seem to forget. Kris's arm was draped over Adam's shoulder even before he managed to fall on his lap. He squeezed the hand holding his and he sighed as Kris buried his face right at the side of Adam's face, nose buried in his hair. "I know. I do too." Kris wasn't sure who was trembling, if it was him or Adam.

One of Adam's hands fisted in the back of Kris's shirt, the other came up to cup his face and Adam closed his eyes, breathing deeply. "Besides," he said a long moment later, "you don't take up any space. You're small. You're ... perfect."

"Yeah. I hear you like it compact." Kris groaned softly and then he pulled back shaking his head. "Yeah. I know. No jokes. Sorry." But his eyes, they told a different story when he looked intently at Adam.

"Don't joke." Adam's eyes were heavy-lidded as he looked up at Kris, letting his thumb brush along Kris's lower lip. But he jerked his hand back, letting it land on his knee. "... sorry. I told you this wasn't a good idea."

"Adam." Kris looked pointedly at him. "I'm not stupid." He said, eyes narrowing, putting his hand over Adam's on his knee and curled his fingers around it. "I know." And for the longest time he stared back, trying to gather the courage to ... God! Kris wasn't even sure what he wanted. He just knew he wanted to be here, right _here_, right now - with _Adam_.

"Kris." Adam searched his eyes. "Don't. You ... you're ... you're the best person I _know_. I would - " And he shook his head. "I should _go_. I should go." But his fingers came up again, brushing along Kris's jaw. "God. I miss you. I miss you. I _miss_ you."

Kris's eyes slowly flitted closed and he leaned into Adam's touch. "Don't go," he murmured, "stay, a'right?" He stood, still holding on to Adam's hand and then Kris guided them both to the sofa. "We'll talk. We'll catch up ..." He sighed softly, painfully, eyes holding the plea. "Who knows when again ... right?"

Frowning, Adam shook his head, but he said, "Okay. Just ... please sit somewhere else." And he gently urged Kris up. "I'm only human. And drunk." But he ran his hands through his hair and mustered up a smile. "What's your new life like? Is it amazing? Are you eating all right? Did you go shopping?"

Welcome back, Adam, Kris thought, making a show of rolling his eyes. "I didn't get you anything. Sorry. Didn't have time to shop or anything else." He sat across from Adam after Kris brought out two bottled waters from the small bar refrigerator. He opened it before handing it to Adam. "When are you going overseas?"

"I ... don't know." Adam took his water and turned the bottle in his hands. "I think I'm going to Europe in February, though. Germany and England and stuff." He took a breath and said, "you didn't have to get me anything. Your band is fantastic, by the way. They're really good. And they seem like really nice guys."

"They're great, yeah. We had fun today, huh? Like old times." He couldn't seem to keep his eyes away from staring at Adam and for a few beats Kris was quiet. "You know what I miss most?" He leaned back with a sigh. "This. Remember how we'd talk before I fell asleep on you?" Kris's smile for Adam was warm and fond.

"We'd always talk and you would fall asleep faster than anyone I know," Adam reminded him with a smile too. "I'd be in the middle of something and I'd hear that tell-tale almost-snore thing you do and that would be that. I'm not sure you ever heard the end of any story I told you. But I'd look over and you'd be so _peaceful_ that I couldn't bear to wake you up."

Kris's smile turned crooked. Funny how between Adam and him, it stopped being about American Idol a long time before they where the last two standing. "Then maybe you should finish those stories now. I'm not gonna fall asleep this time." He gazed openly at Adam. "Promise."

Adam just looked back at him for a long, long time, then he said, quietly, "well, there was the time when I told my gorgeous friend to get off my lap because I was thinking very impure thoughts. But I miss him and I wish ... I wish a _lot_ of things. Have you seen my bassist, though? He's cute." His smile went crooked before fading.

Those words made Kris's heart beat faster, thundering in his chest and, well, he shifted, moved, sat back next to Adam and he just stared. When Kris finally spoke, his voice was low and ragged, like it was coming from somewhere really deep in his chest. "I wish a lot of things, too, Adam." Slowly, Kris held his hand out, turning his palm over for Adam to take -- if he wanted to. Kris prayed that he'd take it.

"Oh, Kris," Adam whispered. He closed his eyes for a moment, brows drawing together as if pained. Then he reached out, taking Kris's hand, his fingers folding around it. "What are we doing?"

"I dunno," Kris shrugged but he squeezed Adam's hand and he was so tempted to say he didn't care. But, see, when Adam squeezed his hand and the first thing he felt was his wedding ring digging into his finger. "I don't wanna lose you." Friends or whatever this was, because, though undefined, Kris knew there was something there. He knew from a while back. Heck, he co-wrote a song about it.

"Friends forever, right? We even pinky-swore." His eyes open, then, Adam gave Kris another crooked smile. "You're not going to lose me. I'm ridiculously loyal to my friends, you know. Even if they are married and off-limits." Trust Adam not to mince words.

"Was bankin' on that," Kris smiled, it was easy, warm, even if Adam's words made him swallow a big ol' ball in his throat. "I'm also bankin' on not just texting. I --" Kris sighed. Yeah, he wanted more. "I wanna hear your voice. I miss talking to you. Even if we talk about a bunch of baloney ... or, other things." Things that, since they've journeyed together, only Adam would understand.

"I'm always here for you, Kris. Just ... call and I'll answer. Always." Adam changed the angle of their hands so that they could lace their fingers together; he watched that instead of Kris's face. "I'll even tell you all about shopping trips. Which I _know_ you want to hear about. Especially Chanel."

Kris was looking at their hands too, idly thinking how they somehow fit together. "I'd love to hear all about Chanel. Maybe I'll even stay awake until the end of that story." He peered up and smiled. Kris didn't want to know what this was; if it ain't broke and all that, leave it be.

It was Kris who moved closer, who wrapped Adam in an embrace, sighing as he felt their bodies pull flush against each other. He'd missed this, too.

"Kris ... " But even as Adam said that, he held on tighter, his nose buried in Kris's neck. " ... I don't think you're going to stay awake to hear about Chanel. You're a good person, but you're not an angel."

"Never claimed to be any angel," Kris replied, holding him tighter. "Just ... lemme have this, Adam ..." He closed his eyes, breathing Adam in, his chest constricting tight. "Just let me," Kris whispered. This? It had to be enough.

"Okay," Adam whispered back, holding on just as tightly, a hand cupping the back of Kris's head. And it was a long quiet moment that seemed to stretch out forever.

~~

Everywhere around them was shouting and hugging. And Silly String. Everywhere. But, for a moment, Adam and Kris found themselves in what might have been the only quiet corner of the whole arena. For a long time, Adam just stared at him, then pulled him into a hug. "God," he whispered, "I'm going to miss you so _much_."

Kris was never good at goodbyes and right here with Adam was the worst. He had his face pressed against Adam's chest and his hands were fisted on Adam's shirt, pulling him closer, holding him tight. "You're gonna text me. Everyday. We're not gonna miss each other that much. You'll see." He said that for both their sakes.

"Who'll do my nails?" Adam asked and it came out in a soggy laugh as he squeezed even tighter. "If I text you every day, you better text me back, Kristopher." And he leaned back, head cocked, to catch Kris's eye, sadness mingling with fondness there. "Friends for life?"

"Pfft!" Kris lifted his hand up and waggled his pinky. "Even longer than that, yeah." He was never good at covering up how he felt and this was probably the worse one to hide. He let it all be seen right written all over his face. "I'm not gonna ride back with you," he whispered, their pinkies still crossed together. "Katy's she ..." Was in a car waiting for him outside.

Adam's face squinched up; he tried to smile and failed at it, too, even as he pinky-swore. "Yeah, yeah. I mean, of course. Yeah. Give her a kiss for me, okay?" And Adam touched his fingers to his mouth, then to Kris's. "I'm going to go pack up. I'll text you and you better text me back, Kris Allen." One step at a time and he backed away. And there was Allison and Megan who bookended him and started to pull him away. Adam looked over his shoulder at Kris one more time, then he was gone.

Kris stood there staring at empty space. He couldn't bring himself to leave even if he knew he had to; Katy was waiting. From far away he could hear voices, goodbyes, tears, laughter, Adam. And before he was able to drag himself away he touched his lips, and he closed his eyes. "Friends for life ..."

*

They were both in New York only in different parts of the city. Kris had been struggling with writing a song with geniuses like Toby and Lindy. He'd been thinking a lot about Adam and how they'd been lately that it seemed to have put a block in his brain that he couldn't get past.

Kris pushed buttons on his cell phone and sent Adam a text.

_R U busy?_

Stupid question was stupid, of course he was but Kris just wanted to know if Adam was going to reply.

_Having lunch! Hummus! Pita Chips! Heaven! R U OK?_

When Kris received the text he sighed with relief. _That's not lunch that's a snack_

At the tail of that text Kris send another. _Not really okay. Can't write._ Because he'd been thinking about Adam smiling at him from across the table when they ate. Adam laughing at his joke or when he makes that scrunched up face when Gokey tried to tell a joke (and it always fell flat). Adam plucking his headphones from his ear to hear what he was listening to. And Adam saying goodnight from the top bunk on the bus while it rolled them along to the next big city.

Almost immediately, his phone rang and it was Adam's ring tone: Sex on Fire. When Kris answered, Adam said, "is it like ... writer's block? Or are they giving you shit? What's going on. Talk to me while I eat my snack. Which is lunch, by the way."

Kris rolled his eyes and he was sure Adam could sense it. "They're not giving me ... y'know ..." He replied. "It's a block, I think. I dunno if I could do this, Adam. I get inspired and then I write. It just ... comes. I can't sit down and they hand me a piece of paper and say, 'here, Kris, write a song.'" Kris frowned and he knew Adam would be able to sense that, too.

"Well, who could? Shit." Adam sighed over the line. "But you're supposed to do something and they're looking at you waiting? Shit." Then there was the crunch of pita chips being chewed before Adam went on. "What about whatever you were writing the other night? You seemed really engrossed in it? Can you use that?"

That song was something he and Cale were working on, emailing each other lyrics and talking on the phone about chords and playing them with each other. Kris shook his head even if Adam couldn't see him. "That's almost done," he said, sighing. "It's like I know there'a lot of stuff in my head and there'd been ... things ... I've been thinkin' about but I just can't seem to get it out."

Kris wanted to ask, he wanted to know ... could Adam feel it, too? What this was that Kris was feeling and all the stuff that had been happening lately, how even closer they were becoming?

"You've got mental constipation." Adam crunched into another pita chip. "Which means a mental laxative is on order, right? So ... um ..... " There was a long pause and then he said, more quietly, almost as if he'd pulled the phone away from his mouth. "Think of Katy. About how you feel about her. Like Red Guitar. Think about that."

"Mental constipation. Gee, thanks Adam. That's a very eloquent way of putting that." Kris laughed, though. How could he not but then ... Katy a laxative? To that he wasn't sure and then the guilt reared its ugly head and his chest tightened.

Katy. His _wife_. Whom Kris talked to every night but in just the last few hours he'd been sitting here, not once did she enter his mind.

Kris clutched his chest and he groaned. "Red Guitar. Yeah. I'll think about Red Guitar." _If I could ever stop thinking about you_. "Thanks."

"You're an amazing songwriter, Kris," Adam told him quietly. "I have no idea how to do what you do, but you write fantastic songs. And I have no doubt in my mind that you'll come up with something that will break someone's heart. Okay?"

But Kris didn't want to break anyone's heart, least of all his own. Or worse, Katy's -- who hadn't been very happy with him lately. Kris sighed softly. "A'right. I'm gonna be good and get back in there. Guess I'll see you ... soon?"

"Day after tomorrow, yep. You can do it, Kris. We both can, right?" There was a pause and then Adam said, "I'll see you soon, baby. I love you." And he ended the call.

All Kris got to say back was an almost muted goodbye. But even as the call with Adam had ended, he still had the phone by his ear with Adam's three words resonating in his mind: _I love you_.

And in Kris's head, he was saying it back. _I love you, too_.

*

It wasn't easy for Adam to sit on Kris's bunk, seeing as it wasn't very tall, but he did, crouching over to feel Kris's forehead. "Did you take your pills? Do you want juice? Water? Crackers?"

"Took the pills, yeah." Kris then shook his head and closed his eyes, groaning softly but glad that Adam was there. He just got back from the doctors and was given a big fat "NO," he was not going to perform tonight. It was the worst feeling and he felt like he let _everyone_ down.

"Poor baby," Adam crooned, petting over Kris's hair. "Stop it, okay?" As if Kris wasn't easy as anything to read; the disappointment, the frustration. "No one blames you. You're sick. You need to get well. You feel like you're burning up, really."

All the more Kris frowned. "Everyone else got sick and no one had to cancel a performance." He was pouting, so what? He was disappointed and felt entitled to it. Besides, he was _sick_. "What're the fans gonna say? The ... media?" Kris groaned and curled up on his side.

"Oh, baby, listen. You'll go out there and say you feel bad, because you _do_ and you'll come back and rest, be good as new in no time." Adam rubbed circles on Kris's back. "You have to get better." Gently, he poked. "So I don't get sick." And Adam leaned way over to smile, upside down, at Kris.

Kris stuck his tongue out at Adam but then a crooked smile, though small, and only at one corner lifted his lips. "I don't know if I even wanna see their faces, man." But it was what Kris told everyone he was going to do. He was going to go out there in front of the crowd and say he wasn't going to sing. Kris caught Adam's hand and even if he didn't say anything, he was kind of hoping he'd be a rock for him later after he made his announcement and introduced Allison to the crowd.

"You'll do fine, Kris." Adam squeezed his hand back. "I have to go get ready, okay? Stay here and rest as long as you can. You can do it. You'll do fine and be better in no time, okay? Drink water. I'll be right off stage for you, okay?"

Giving Adam a grateful look, Kris nodded and let Adam's hand go. He may not be performing but he needed to get to the arena, too. Best to support his fellow idols and psych himself up for the bigger disappointment.

When it came time and Kris had made his announcement he could feel his chest tighten and not because he was practically coughing out his lungs. He still felt feverish, sweaty, walking in the dimly lit backstage area to head back to the dressing rooms with Kris clutching at his chest. That? It wasn't the easiest thing to do.

"You did fine." As promised, Adam was right there and he folded Kris up against his chest there in the dark in between. "You did fine. Now go lie down, okay? Rest. Please?"

Kris pressed his face to Adam's chest and sighed deeply, smelling cologne and make up and leather. They stayed there for a moment until Kris gathered himself together enough to be able to face the rest of his friends. "Thanks," he said as he pulled away to look up at Adam, though, he was still holding on to him.

"Baby, you did _fine_," Adam said, leaning in to be heard as Allison started, a hand cupping Kris's face. "I know you feel bad and I know you think you let everyone down, but you didn't. I swear it, okay? Your body let you down, that's all."

Blinking slowly to close his eyes briefly and lean into Adam's touch, he then nodded his head. Kris knew that, but it didn't make things any easier. "Go kill 'em tonight, a'right?" He stepped back and then he tugged Adam back toward the dressing room. "You're the final act so you better melt their faces off." While he tried to erase the look of disappointment, disbelief and some, angry faces he'd just now seen looking back at him.

"It's not going to be the same, you know. It'll be better when you're back, because I don't know," Adam teased in the moderately-more-quiet space of the dressing room. "Crouching down in the dark by myself just seems ... creepy."

Kris laughed. He couldn't help himself and on instinct he wrapped himself around Adam again, never mind some of the already finished idols were walking back and forth in the room. "I'll see you later, a'right?" He gestured out the back way where one of the Idol handlers was already waiting to take Kris back so he could get back to bed.

"Not long. Rest." Adam gave Kris one more kiss on the forehead. "I love you."

That never failed to put a smile on Kris's face. "Yeah. Love you, too." He pulled away and gave Adam then the rest of the people there a wave before shoving his hands in his pockets and walking with his head down out of the venue.

*

"That one? Really?" In his bunk on the bus, Adam took the earbud back and listened to the playback of the finished song he'd been sent. "Why that one? What is it about that one? I really liked the one I played you last week. It's ... I don't know. Glammy and amazing."

"I dunno," Kris shrugged as much as he could because they were cramped in the small bunk space made for one. "It's just -- amazing. It's a hit. I'm tellin' you. Everyone's gonna be singing that song." He took the earbud back because, hello? He was listening to that, thanks. "Whataya want from me ..." Kris sang softly at Adam, complete with a really wide grin.

"Totally out of your range," Adam reminded him with a laugh. "It is a good song, though, isn't it? I like the message. Being loved for who you are. That's such a great message, you know?" He tapped Kris's forehead. "Now yours. Play yours."

He could barely freaking move that Kris had to wriggle pressed to Adam in the bunk so that he could fish for his iPhone in his pocket. He scrolled through to the playlist he had of his song (God! _His_ songs) and picked the most recent finished one. "This is by the Script. Already they're telling me they wanna pick it as first single."

"First single?! Wow, okay." Adam plugged his earbuds into the iPhone and listened, eyes locked on Kris's face, a grin blooming on his face as Kris got to the chorus. "Oh my God!" he exclaimed. "I couldn't sing this in a million years. I wouldn't remember the words! I love it! It's perfect for you. Perfect!"

"Go on and try the next song, too." He pointed to the screen. "I still get tongue tied. I need to do, like, tongue exercises before I sing it, you know?" Kris fell silent and then he stuck his tongue out for Adam, showing him the spit bubble he made. He was darn proud of that and Adam had yet to be grossed out.

What was there to be grossed out about? You were doing it right if you had spit bubbles. Of course, Adam laughed and rolled his eyes, but then he went quiet as he listened to the next song. It was different, Adam could tell. "This is your song," he said, looking to Kris for confirmation. "Right? You wrote it."

Kris's expression turned thoughtful and his smile was a cross between pride and bashfulness. He nodded. "Yeah, I did." It was funny how Adam could tell that but Kris didn't even bother to ask how he knew. It was the fact that he did know that made his chest swell up with emotions. "Red Guitar. About that guitar I got Katy that she never played." He shrugged, turning on his side to better face Adam. "Do you ... like it?"

Adam pressed his finger to Kris's mouth and just listened for a moment, and when the song ended, he shook his head, pulling his earbuds out. "I can hear you all over that song. It's amazing. Beautiful. I love it. Have you played it for Katy? She's got to hear this, you know. Not every girl gets a song written for her. Well, okay," he corrected with a laugh that was softer than expected. "A lot do, but not many that are as good as this one."

He wrinkled his nose. "Yeah. It's not 'baby got back.'" Kris laughed, snuggling a little with Adam. "She's heard it before I got help. It was six minutes long originally. She hadn't heard this one yet. You're, uhm, the first one to hear it and the other song, too."

"...wow. I feel special." Adam, his back against the wall, legs tangled with Kris's, smiled. "Thank you. For letting me hear them. They're great. Your album will be amazing, I know it." He skated his fingers down along Kris's cheek before pulling his hand away.

"You are, you know?" Kris met Adam's gaze. "Special." He liked it when Adam touched him. Actually, he liked it a little too much and found himself touching back and usually unconsciously. He caught Adam's hand and he looked at it, his fingertips training over Adam's polish-chipped nails.

"Oh." Adam watched Kris look at him, how gentle he was with Adam's fingers. "Well, so are you. You're ... one of the best people I've ever met. And I mean that. I need to get a new manicure, don't I. It's pretty bad." He said it lightly, carefully.

"It is yeah," Kris peered from under his lashes. "Wanna do that? I can help." Why not, right? It wasn't as if it was the first time the two of them played with Adam's nail polish. "Then we can listen to your song again. I really love that."

"Are you offering to do my nails? Why do I have the idea that you are ... pretty shitty at it, huh?" Adam shrugged though. "I have to get out to get the polish, baby. So, um ... lie on your back, okay? I'll just ... " He wriggled to his hands and knees and made to crawl over Kris, which pretty much put them nose to nose. Adam bit his lip as he looked down at Kris. "Fuck," he sighed and he climbed out. "Be right back."

Whoa. What the heck just happened?! Kris was lying there on his back with his eyes wide and staring at the ceiling of the bus. He, uhm, _felt_ stuff when Adam pressed down on him and he swore there was a second there where he thought they were gonna kiss. Okay. He kinda _wished_ they were going to kiss. His heart was thumping loud and then he dared to peek by poking his head out. "It's gonna smell, huh? Maybe we should ..." Not be in bed was what he was thinking.

Adam had the bottle of polish in his hand and he was thumping it against his other palm. "Yeah ... maybe we shouldn't." And he smiled a small, strained smile. "I'll have Cyndy do them, anyway. Thanks for letting me hear your songs, baby. I should ... " And he gestured to the front of the bus where they could hear Anoop and Matt talking. Or more accurately trying to outshout each other.

Kris pursed his lips and grabbed the bottle. "C'mon. I said I was gonna help you, right?" He headed out into the common area, plopping on a sofa while shaking the bottle in his hand. No one better say anything about this, seriously.

"We're in a bus." Kris defended, a good hour later. "Can't expect me to stay in the lines in a moving bus." He looked at Adam's fingernails again and then he ducked his head down, rubbing the back of his neck while peering up at Adam. "I messed up, huh?"

"Um." Adam splayed out his fingers and looked at his smeared fingernails and the polish that drizzled into his cuticles and along his skin. "It's not the best manicure I've ever had, no." And then he started to laugh. "Don't quit your day job, Idol."

The way Kris smiled back at Adam (and how he glared at Matt, Anoop and Danny when they teased) would tell Adam that Kris kind of enjoyed that; holding Adam's hand and brushing the smelly (it really wasn't that bad) polish on Adam's nails, a look of intense concentration on his face. It was - intimate - if he had to put a word to it. "Yeah, but only you could say you have nails by Kris Allen. Even Katy can't say that." He laughed too.

"Yeah, well, Katy gets lots of things I don't," Adam said and with that, he stood up and kissed Kris's hair. "I am going to, um, touch up your work. Thank you, baby." He looked down at Kris with thoughtful eyes and a smile that faded a little too quickly. "Bye, boys!" He told everyone with a waggle of his fingers before he disappeared back to the back.

Kris followed Adam with his eyes and when he was finally out of sight he heard Matt say: "Yeah. You really messed up duuuu!" To which Kris glared back, his brows drawn together. He just sighed and looked down at his own nails, picking the caked remnants of Adam's nail polish still stuck on his fingers.

*

Kris had no idea at all that touring was going to be this ... well, _fun_. It was like one big road trip with about thirty or so of his closest friends. It was a chance to get real close with the other Idols, too, which Kris found he enjoyed, too.

He was always known as the quiet one, just sitting there, strumming his guitar firing zingers for the funny now and again. But most times, Kris would be found plopping down next to Adam and the two of them would be talking with their faces close together and in hushed tones. "Sometimes, man, I dunno which way is up," he whispered, shrugging.

"Would it matter if you did?" Adam smiled and put his arm around Kris's shoulder, pulling him closer for a kiss on the temple. "Tomorrow, we do the same thing over again: interviews, sound check, meet and greet, show, meet and greet, bus. I don't even know what city we're in. When do you record some more?"

"Ugh. I dunno." Kris was pushing on Adam so he'd scoot to the furthest end of the tour bus sofa. He laid down with his head pillowed on Adam's lap his arm over his eyes but he peered, grinning. Kris fit on the sofa, see? And he was the only one that did in their bus. "They tell me to get changed, packed, whatever and then I do. But I think it's tomorrow." He peeked again, "what about you?"

"Um, what day is it?" Adam laughed. "Thursday? Is today Tuesday? It's Thursday. Flying out Wednesday night and back Thursday night. I think that's it anyway." One of his hands landed on Kris's stomach, the other petted over Kris's hair like usual, the motion clearly soothing.

That was one reason Kris liked this spot right here. No one else would do this with him? Can't imagine Anoop or Danny doing it. Matt would but he'd probably also push Kris off the couch. "Hmm," he hummed and his eyes slowly blinked, wanting to close. "That's like me, yeah, but I leave tomorrow after the show then back Thursday." He frowned. "Co-writing's not easy."

"That's why I don't do much of it," Adam said with a small smile. "But you're the songwriter. Just remember, this is just your first album and we're putting ours out in ridiculous speed. So, I don't know, we'll have our second albums, right? Maybe we're flying out together. That would make sense, wouldn't it?"

It did make sense and Kris nodded. "It's a learning experience, that for sure. Only we're learning about it in fast forward." He smiled at Adam, putting his hand over the one resting on his stomach. "Will you let me listen to your songs?"

"Of course. I need an opinion I can trust." Adam grinned down at him. "Don't know if I'll have anything on Thursday, but who knows right? God, I would love it if, like Lady Gaga would write something for me, you know? How amazing would that be? God." He slounched a little lower on the couch, long legs splayed out, changing where Kris was lying on him, but not letting him go. "Do I get to listen to yours?"

"I'll let you listen, yeah." Kris's face was scrunched up, like Adam would need to even ask that. It was a gimme. "And you're gonna give me your album, right. I don't have to buy it or nothin'." He teased, now toying with Adam's fingers and idly wondering when, exactly, did their friendship slip into something this easy and comfortable? Kris stared up at Adam's face, smiling crookedly.

"What, you can't afford it?" Adam snapped his fingers, jawlike, around Kris's, and laughed, face lighting up despite the fatigue there. "You're the American Idol. You can buy your own damned copy, Kristopher."

"I'll buy one but will you sign it for me?" Kris went all puppy eyes on Adam, clearly still teasing. "Y'know, so, when I'm old I can say, Adam Lambert the rockstar? Yeah. I knew him." He poked Adam's side.

"Stop it! Dork. I'll sign it and even put some lip gloss on and kiss it for you. How's that?" With that and a smile, Adam ruffled Kris's hair with one hand, holding his wrist with the other. "We should go to bed. It's so late."

"Awesome." Kris pushed up with a groan and then he grabbed Adam's hand to tug him up so they could walk to the back of the moving bus to their bunks. "A signed and kissed Adam Lambert CD. Man. I bet I'll get a ton for that on Ebay."

"I knew it!" Adam crowed, laughing. "I knew it." Standing made it easy to go for Kris's ribs and tickle him til he called Uncle. Ebay.

~~

"Shit," Adam whispered, stepping back from where they'd somehow ended up in the one dark corner of the Nokia Theatre, stealing a small quiet moment while they could. Reaching up, he combed through Kris's hair to have something to do. "I should go change."

It was the first real breather they both had since yesterday and Kris let the touch soothe him by leaning in closer to Adam. "I need to change, too," Kris blinked slowly and smiled. "C'mon." He slipped his hand in Adam's and tugged briefly before letting go. "Man, I'll be glad when this is over."

"Right?" Adam had to laugh as he threw his arm around Kris's shoulder to go down the hall. "I meant it when I said you deserve to win, you know."

"Pfft!" Kris kind of elbowed Adam though gently. "I meant it when I said you should," then he looked up his cheek brushing on Adam's shoulder. "Does it really matter?" He shrugged. "It's what we have right now is what counts, right?"

"Yeah, exactly," Adam said, grinning. "Besides, we get to sing with Queen, right?" Just as they ducked into the dressing room, he leaned into whisper-sing into Kris's ear, "We are the champions...."

To which Kris sang along just as quietly, trying to ignore the way Adam's warm breath brushed against his ear and his cheek making the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. "Queen, man. Brian May. Can you believe it?" He didn't step away from Adam but instead wrapped his arms around him and hugged him. "This is all unbelievable."

Hugging him back just as tightly, Adam laughed quietly. "I know. Just ... take it in. We need to remember this. All of it. Savor these moments. Tonight, our lives will never be the same. I have to change clothes." He kissed Kris's forehead and made his way over to the clothing rack. "I can't decide which I want more, a drink, or ten hours of sleep."

"I vote sleep," Kris put his hand up and then, well, here came everyone else that was set to help them out. Adam always knew what he was wearing but Kris? Someone handed it to him while he mumbled a polite thank you. He tipped on his toes and saw Adam over most heads there. Kris smiled and it was enough to tell him that yeah ... they needed to take it all in.

Somewhere between "and the winner iiiiiiiiis ... " and three thousand interviews later, Adam just looked at Kris when he could. _Take it all in_. And they just smiled.

~~

_Hey I can hear you in stereo  
Through the traffic  
Your voice is the only sound I know  
Do you notice  
When I walk in the room  
Am I a liar  
Do you believe my words are the truth_

All these fears will fade  
While you play the game

If only we'd live for the moment  
If only I learnt how to change  
Getting closer to showing emotion  
You took what you want, but never again

You're alone  
Cos you don't let anyone in  
You're good at finishing  
But do you know where to begin  
Can you focus  
Is your reality blurred again  
Do you listen  
Or will my words roll off your skin

Drag me up, you pull me round  
My face is numb from looking down  
I'm here to say that you're underground  
And now's the time to realise  
Cos life is gonna pass you by

All these fears will fade  
While you play the game

If only we'd live for the moment  
If only I learnt how to change  
Getting closer to showing emotion  
You took what you want, but never again

Juke Kartel, "If Only"


End file.
